Why am I always in control? Why can I never just let go and give in to whatever I’m feeling? Anything; anger, joy, depression, whatever... Is it normal to question everything I do before I do it just to analyze it and see if it will have the effect I intend it to have? Anger? That seems to be the prime candidate; yes, I have been angry, angry enough to throw whatever I’m holding in my hands as hard as I can to the nearest wall, my phone has suffered that fate often enough, but just before I do I’m thinking is “it worth it?” and usually when I do it, it is cuz otherwise I have no idea how I will short circuit my anger. (hell, I can’t even get drunk properly, I drink my friends under the table just to get out of driving them home, but when I have to go park the car I’m driving very carefully cuz I’m thinking, “I’m supposed to be drunk, right?”)
Happiness? Yes, I can be happy, i’ve done stupid things in the name of elation, like jumping on top of the nearest table and announcing it for the world to hear, but before I express it I’m thinking, do I really want these chaps see me do that? I can’t dance for crying out loud, partly cuz I just won’t give in to the music, and I will not let myself dance like a white boy (no, that is not racism).
Right now I don’t even know whether I’m angry, frustrated or whatever, I do know I’m in the mood that calls for one to do stupid things, like take my car from 80kph down to 0kph in the space of less than 10 metres, but then I think, nah, can’t afford the tires, think of hurling my phone to the ground, against the wall, anything, but nah, not this time, when I want to break a glass or a cup or something I’m thinking, nah, you already have too few as it is, can’t break one of the good ones, now can we? Punch out my frustrations against the wall? I actually worked myself into doing that once, till I bled, this time, nah, don’t feel like having the pain tomorrow morning, cry, oh you have no idea how good that would feel, just let it all out and the hell with whatever anyone thinks... but no, not this time, I don’t want to, not this time, something inside me is begging to just let it all out, a few tears is all it will take and I will feel much better, but no, I fed that particular monster yesterday, today, it can starve, so what’s left to me? Write...
Write out all the anger, all the frustration, all that seems to be tying everything inside me in knots right now, yes, I am doing that, yes, I’m doing my best to pound the keyboard like it’s going into retirement tomorrow, but notice, my spelling’s still perfect, my punctuation marks are exactly where I want them to be, and I’m actively searching every sentence I write for somewhere I can use an expletive naturally so you can think, “he really has lost it, hasn’t he?”, I’m hitting the keyboard this hard just to tell myself that yes Brian, you are doing it right, but hell, I’m even having supper while I type!!
This is useless.
And I’m supposed to be typing out my bloody frustrations!! I wish I could just go out and scream, but I’ve tried that, it doesn’t work, it never does, nothing ever seems to work; nothing but the tears, but I. Will. Not. Let. My. Self. Cry. Not today.
Happiness? Yes, I can be happy, i’ve done stupid things in the name of elation, like jumping on top of the nearest table and announcing it for the world to hear, but before I express it I’m thinking, do I really want these chaps see me do that? I can’t dance for crying out loud, partly cuz I just won’t give in to the music, and I will not let myself dance like a white boy (no, that is not racism).
Right now I don’t even know whether I’m angry, frustrated or whatever, I do know I’m in the mood that calls for one to do stupid things, like take my car from 80kph down to 0kph in the space of less than 10 metres, but then I think, nah, can’t afford the tires, think of hurling my phone to the ground, against the wall, anything, but nah, not this time, when I want to break a glass or a cup or something I’m thinking, nah, you already have too few as it is, can’t break one of the good ones, now can we? Punch out my frustrations against the wall? I actually worked myself into doing that once, till I bled, this time, nah, don’t feel like having the pain tomorrow morning, cry, oh you have no idea how good that would feel, just let it all out and the hell with whatever anyone thinks... but no, not this time, I don’t want to, not this time, something inside me is begging to just let it all out, a few tears is all it will take and I will feel much better, but no, I fed that particular monster yesterday, today, it can starve, so what’s left to me? Write...
Write out all the anger, all the frustration, all that seems to be tying everything inside me in knots right now, yes, I am doing that, yes, I’m doing my best to pound the keyboard like it’s going into retirement tomorrow, but notice, my spelling’s still perfect, my punctuation marks are exactly where I want them to be, and I’m actively searching every sentence I write for somewhere I can use an expletive naturally so you can think, “he really has lost it, hasn’t he?”, I’m hitting the keyboard this hard just to tell myself that yes Brian, you are doing it right, but hell, I’m even having supper while I type!!
This is useless.
And I’m supposed to be typing out my bloody frustrations!! I wish I could just go out and scream, but I’ve tried that, it doesn’t work, it never does, nothing ever seems to work; nothing but the tears, but I. Will. Not. Let. My. Self. Cry. Not today.
